In 1982, when Juliet’s crush on senior Nick is suddenly reciprocated on her sixteenth birthday, it’s a dream come true. But she soon learns that the emotions and sexual tensions of a romantic relationship are far more complex than she ever anticipated — especially when her new boyfriend has an abusive father, a stalker ex-girlfriend and a plan to leave home as soon as possible. Shell-shocked by the darkness in Nick’s life, her infatuation for him unexpectedly fades. She wants to recover those tingly feelings of young love, but she’s too inexperienced to know what love is. When Nick decides to escape his home life, she’s ready to let him go.
Twenty-five years later, Juliet is married with a grown daughter. Due to her own indiscretion, her husband Ethan has moved out. She has fought to win him back to rebuild their stable home, but she’s exhausted from apologizing and trying to regain Ethan’s trust. Rose-colored memories of her relationship with Nick begin to hit her at odd moments and eventually she contacts him on the pretext of rekindling an old friendship, unprepared for the emotional powder keg she’s unleashing.
Complete at 90,00 words, XO is an Adult Contemporary that alternates between time lines.
I'm wondering if this is a newer or older query than the one on your Pitch Slam help page. Just curious, because I feel the one on the pitch slam page has more voice and is generally more interesting/voice-filled.
ReplyDelete(Sorry, repeated myself. Meant to say 'interesting/hooking'.)
DeleteYeah this was what I came up with today after slaughtering the other one. :) I suck at this.
DeleteThis character arc sounds really interesting, with a lot of inherent dramatic tension! I have two main thoughts on the query:
ReplyDeleteFirst - There are some places where you're a little vague where specifics could up the dramatic tension and make the query more compelling. For instance:
First paragraph -- "But she's lying to herself" -- This isn't a bad line in and of itself, but I think you could close the first paragraph with something higher stakes and more hook-ish. Something really juicy that makes us go "Oooh!" and want more... a twist, maybe, or something about the stakes?
Third paragraph -- "Her own indiscretion" -- I'd love specifics here! Did she cheat on him? We'll feel closer to her and her dilemma will feel more real if we know what happened.
"Unprepared for the emotional powder keg she's unleashing" -- this hints at some kind of high-stakes twist or complication that probably is made of dramatic tension. Don't hold back -- tell us what it is! Or if it's too spoilery, tell us as much as you can. An emotional powder keg could mean anything, so I have nothing to grab onto and get excited about, even though I suspect there's something good under that vague term.
The second big suggestion I have is to make the alternating timeline thing a little clearer. You want to make sure that agents don't have to go back and read again to figure out what's happening in which timeline. I think you want to make it clear from the start that this is told in both timelines, and maybe make sure (given that you label it as adult) that the query focuses on the adult end of the timeline? (Unless that doesn't reflect the novel, of course.) Right now the longest paragraph focuses on the teen years, which might raise questions (especially with an agent who isn't reading very closely) about whether it's properly adult or YA.
I hope that's helpful! Good luck! And I hope you post a revision, because I really do want to know more about the stuff you hint at. :)
I really like your first paragraph. It sets up the conflict, and this is something many people can relate to.
ReplyDeleteAs to your second paragraph, you don't have much query space to go into the back story, so I suggest that you cut this. If you decide to keep it, please clarify this line: "She wants to recover those tingly feelings of young love, but she’s too inexperienced to know what love is." A 16yo recovering feelings of young love doesn't make sense.
In the first paragraph, Juliet wants to reminisce, but in the third paragraph, you talk about her indiscretion. Obviously, reminiscing is not an indiscretion, so I feel like I'm missing something. Also, the order of this paragraph is she cheats on Ethan, who moves out, then she contacts Nick. Is that truly the order of events in the novel? This will need to be clarified.
You have a good voice and you write well. I think after you move things around and clarify a few points, you'll have a strong query.
Thanks to all of you. I'm going to consider all of your advice and attack this again when my brain is less weekendified. That is totally a word.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot, great voice, clear plotlines, and I don't want to bog down with more, given all the good stuff you've gotten here. The main thing for me was wanting to know her "indiscretions," that feels pretty important. Also, I echo Lanette above about paragraphs one and two feeling jarring and the order needing clarification. Don't be so hard on yourself though, this is a strong query, even without these pretty minor tweaks. I'd like to read this.
ReplyDeleteYou've done a great job! Just a couple of notes.
ReplyDeleteI think your last line should be moved to the very start. So, "XO is a 90k Adult Contemporary with alternating timelines."
And then I would change the end of the second paragraph to this: "Shell-shocked by the darkness in Nick’s life, her infatuation for him unexpectedly fades. So, when Nick decides to escape his home life, she’s ready to let him go."
There are a couple of places with "is" and "has" verbs, and an easy rewording can make those sentences stronger, which can make a big difference in a query. For example: "In 1982, when senior Nick suddenly reciprocates Juliet's crush on her sixteenth birthday, it’s a dream come true."
Thanks Jenny and Jen!
ReplyDeleteIt's like we got through fire on the 35 and first page and then there's this new hurdle to clear. Glad for all the advice.