Sunday, April 27, 2014
REVISED - Dark Core - YA Fantasy
Reincarnation can be a bitch, especially when a mad goddess keeps killing you.
Seventeen year-old Saekina hides in the massive city of Dennin, alone against demonic assassins and their mysterious master. Not even her patron goddess has bothered to help her. She relies on her daggers, and strange, uncontrollable power that sends the demons fleeing.
Her solitude is broken when she meets three others also hunted by the assassins—and wielding the same power. For the first time in years she has friends, and she isn't about to let anyone hurt them. They set out to discover the reason they are hunted, scouring the city for answers.
Their search drags them into the middle of a secret battle between the gods. Even worse, her patron goddess—someone who should be protecting her—is the one sending the demons after them, afraid they’ll access the memories from their past lives and with it, the knowledge to defeat her.
Saekina's blades and power are ready, but they can’t kill a god. To defeat her, Saekina must delve into her past life and uncover the secret the goddess is so desperate to protect. If she fails, she and her friends be hunted throughout endless lives and forced into the same battle. If she succeeds, it might just kill her for good.
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Yes, I just realized there's a 'will' missing at the end there.
ReplyDeleteWow - this is much cleaner. Good work!
ReplyDeleteI purposefully am focusing on this revision, and not the previous, so I hope this helps. Overall this is neat, clean and has some real voice. Sounds EPIC. There are a few lines that kind of scream for more details, can it be added without giving too much away? Here they are:
ReplyDeletestrange, uncontrollable power
afraid they’ll access the memories from their past lives and with it, the knowledge to defeat her.
Can you show us a little of the power? What happens? Give us a snippet of a scene where she's using it, or it surprises her? Same thing with the memories they may access, can we get a taste of what they might see in them?
This is a tad nitpicky, because overall this is tight and very well done. But hey, why not perfection : ) ?
This is really, really good. I don't have much to add. If I were an agent, I'd ask for sample pages. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI want to read this. NOW! Your query has improved! Great job!
ReplyDeleteStrange, uncontrollable power is now "an ethereal power"
ReplyDelete