With the pack of street-rat kids who became her unlikely family, 17-year-old Falcon fights for survival in a world reigned by drug lords, hunger, and toxic sludge. But everything they know about survival is about to change.
The Wall that isolates their world into exile is about to come down. It is a catalyst in a century-old rebellion, and a plot that could cost Falcon both her life and her family. As violence escalates between humans and genetically engineered synthetics, and rebellion spreads like burning embers, the city of sludge is brewing, and dangerous. Falcon will have to stop surviving and start fighting in order to protect the only family she’s ever known. But for the first time, she’s fighting an enemy that can’t bleed, and she can’t face them alone.
EMBER is a soft sci-fi novel of 72,500 words that is the first in a planned duology. Told in four distinct points of view, each perspective gives insight into the raw insides of their world, the dynamics of a patchwork family, and how Falcon plays a role in all of their lives, whether she knows it or not.
Hi Victoria,
ReplyDeleteI like the premise of your novel, but right away a couple things stick out. The first is that you're calling this a soft sci-fi (I quibble about the tags because they matter), but I don't think that's the case. I think this novel is a dystopian. At the very least it's spec fic, but it sounds like dystopian (a specific flavor of spec fic). The query makes me think this, and I'm sure you've heard people talk about how dystopians are over. So if your novel isn't a dystopian (characterized by an oppressive regime in an extremely unfair society with a large gap between the haves and the have nots, often a story of survival), you should really pull out the aspects of your novel that aren't dystopic. Right now, a bunch of agents wouldn't even look at your pages because they can't sell dystopian.
I tell you this in the hopes that you actually have other aspects of your novel to highlight.
The next thing that catches my eye are the generalizations: rebellion spreads like burning embers. What rebellion? What are the synthetics? Why does Falcon care? Why is she the main character of this story? These questions pull me out of the query because they add confusion and not mystery. I recommend that you try to focus on what your character wants, who is trying to stop her, and what is going to happen if she cannot get the things that she wants.
I think you have an interesting world, good luck.
I'm going to echo Rena a bit. I think it's a cool sounding story but you need to weed out anything that is vague or hinty. Like "But everything they know about survival is about to change." That makes an interesting tag line maybe, but unless you can follow that up with a resounding explanation, you don't want to leave the reader wondering what you mean.
ReplyDeleteWhat is a catalyst? The wall? or the wall coming down? The "it" in "it is a catalyst" would technically be referring back to "the wall" - I don't think that's what you mean.
Similarly - what is the antecedent to "and a plot" "A catalyst in a plot?" I'm kind of confused by this whole sentence.
Okay - cool we get genetically engineered synthetic people - that's interesting, but why is there a rebellion? What is the conflict between them? Are the engineered people in power? Are they behind the wall? Why is there sludge?
If there are four distinct points of view, why are you only talking about Falcon? I know you don't want character soup, but you could succinctly Breakfast Club it. "Falcon, the human living in exile, Spunky, a spunky nerd, Sporty, a sporty jock and Weirdo, the freaky weirdo live on the streets in exile." Only like - better than that.
The good thing is it sounds like you have a really cool story under all of that. Try to focus on the parts of the story that bring out the conflict and the stakes the most.
Good luck. And if you decide to revise it, just email me and I'll repost it with the subject "Revised"
This sounds like a really interesting story and setting, and I love your first line!
ReplyDeleteI agree that right now there are some things that are vague and confusing, and it'd help if you picked some specifics that will give us a solid and evocative grounding in the setting and story.
Things I was unclear on:
What's up with "exile"? Is it a district? A status? Why are some people exiled and how does it fit in to the world?
Why is the wall coming down? Why did it go up in the first place? Did it divide the humans from the synthetics, or something else? For that matter, which is Falcon? What's the effective difference between them, if any? Why are they in conflict? Why is it called the city of sludge?
You don't necessarily need to answer all questions in your query, but if you don't answer them, you may want to avoid raising them -- or at least make it clear that the answer is either a mystery or not hugely relevant to the core conflict you're trying to describe.
In general, I would love to get a more distinct sense of setting, also. What tech level is this world at? Is it a future Earth, or another planet?
I also agree that it'd be good to at least lightly touch on what the other points of view are (so that we know why they're in there, since right now it's very focused on Falcon).
I think once you sharpen the focus on this query, it'll bring out all the coolness of this story! I hope you post a revision, because I'd love to read it!
Good luck!
I really like the first line, but I think if busy agents are reading it, it might be extraneous info. It might be better to start with:
ReplyDelete"17-year-old Falcon fights for survival in a world reigned by drug lords, hunger, and toxic sludge. With a pack of street-rat kids who become her unlikely family..."
What is the catalyst for the Wall coming down? You have beautiful phrases "burning embers," etc. but it doesn't tell agents what the story's about. Make it clearer and sharper.
Good luck!