There's a revision to this entry here.
XO is a 90K Adult Contemporary interweaving two timelines.
Since the first day of high school, sophomore Juliet has harbored a crush on senior Nick. On her sixteenth birthday, when he finally reciprocates, she thinks her dreams have come true. But she soon learns that the emotions and sexual tensions of a romantic relationship are far more complex than she ever anticipated — especially when her new boyfriend has an abusive father, a stalker ex-girlfriend and a plan to leave home as soon as possible. Shell-shocked by the darkness in Nick’s life, her infatuation for him unexpectedly fades. So when Nick decides to escape his home life, she’s ready to let him go.
Twenty-five-years later, Juliet is forty-one with a teenage daughter and a crumbling marriage. Her husband, Ethan, has already moved out because of a single act of infidelity and she's fought hard to win back his trust. But she's exhausted from apologizing and in bad need of affection. Rose-colored memories of the boy she once loved and lost hit her at odd moments and she looks Nick up on the internet thinking she can innocently reminisce about times gone by. When she does contact Nick, she finds herself torn between rebuilding a secure future with Ethan and rekindling a past romance she already abandoned once before.
She's going to have to learn from history, or she's doomed to repeat it.
I really like this! It captures the story without giving too much away, and is intriguing enough to make me want to read it. The only thing I would do differently is put the first line description at the end, after the query. Overall a great query!
ReplyDeleteGrrr... just wrote out a reply and lost it.
ReplyDeleteGreat work! I've got just a couple of suggestions...
ReplyDeleteShell-shocked by the darkness in Nick’s life, her infatuation for him fades and she lets him go.
I don't think you need to say when he escapes because you allude to it in the sentence beforehand.
In the second para I'd delete 'bad' and just have 'need of affection' or you could use 'desperate'
Then the ending i'd tighten a little...
Reminiscing about the boy she once loved she risks looking Nick up on the internet. But just looking isn't enough and she contacts him. SOMETHING ABOUT THEIR ONLINE RELATIONSHIP. She finds herself torn between rebuilding a secure future with Ethan and rekindling a past romance she already abandoned once before
Wow...this is very well done! You've given us voice and enough story to be compelling. I want to read more based on this! Great query!
ReplyDeleteI like the complexity of this. There's a lot of conflict and major decision that need to be made and you laid it out nicely. I agree, the last paragraph could use some tightening to bring it all home. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI wrote a big long comment, but it seems to have been eaten! Will attempt to recreate it...
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great revision! A couple remaining suggestions:
You might want to switch the order of the two main paragraphs. If you lead with the adult/present day one, then not only will you avoid the risk of a skimming agent thinking you've got the wrong age bracket, but it'll add extra meaning and nuance to the paragraph about the past, because we'll have context for it in the present.
Also, I want to know a little more about Nick's current situation. Is his life still messed up, or has he gotten his act together? What additional complications or sources of dramatic tension are coming from that quarter? It's a very different story if he's single and issue-free and she just needs to choose him or her marriage, or if he's got dark or messy things going on in his life that she also may have to deal with in some way.
This is a nice, tight, well-written query, and the situation seems both very identifiable and full of a lot of good inherent tension and hard choices! Good luck!
Thanks everyone for your feedback. It is MUCH appreciated.
ReplyDeleteLove second chance "what if" story lines! I actually think the first line explaining the different timelines is better in the beginning. If you put it at the end, an agent skimming the query might get confused about why the whole first paragraph is devoted to backstory (when we know it's two interweaving timelines and not backstory).
ReplyDeleteI feel so sorry for Nick! It's not his fault he has an abusive father, etc. I kinda feel like Juliet ditched him because she can't deal with his problems "her infatuation for him unexpectedly fades" and that doesn't create much sympathy for her. Could you say something like "shell-shocked by the darkness in his life, when Nick decides to escape from home, Juliet is torn between following the man of her dreams and the safe comforts of xxx?" Then, flash forward the years, "She's haunted by her decision (of not choosing to run away with Nick all those years ago)."
I agree with Melissa. I'd like to know more about Nick's current situation. It doesn't sound like his life was messed up (from reading the 1st paragraph), just that the circumstances of his life was stacked against him. Add some tension about her rekindling the sparks with Nick--flesh him out. Make him the hero he's meant to be! :) I'll be cheering for Nick!
Aw. Thanks. I love Nick. I actually started working on this same story from his point of view because as I wrote closely from Juliet's, I intentionally created some ironic distance so we are sort of more aware than she is of the clues that are right in front of her. But then I realized there's so much going on with Nick that she isn't aware of and to me, it's almost a more interesting story. I don't know if it will work or not because I'll have to Rosencrantz and Gildenstern it with the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to decide if it would work better to lead with the older timeline and then show the past one or if that would be too jarring. It's a tricky concept to get across as a synopsis.
And as for not following him - she was 16 when he left home, so that's not really an option, but I see what you mean about showing more of her dilemma because it's not strictly true that she's ready to let him leave, but way too complicated to go into the whole evolution of stupid teenage emotions.
Thanks for all the feedback. I'm revising revising revising.
Not much I can add to the feedback already given. I found this to have a lot of heart and emotion with many lines making it shine: Shell-shocked by the darkness in Nick’s life... (and) Rose-colored memories of the boy she once loved and lost... provided a brief window to Juliet's world. NIcely done all around. See? You are good at this!
ReplyDeleteIt is a really nice query. I'm wondering about whether there will be enough tension between the two story-lines--will it read as one novel or two intertwined stories? Are the two version of Juliet able to merge, or are their aesthetics so different across time that they might as well be different people? Is there a common factor during both phases of the relationship that unites the story?
ReplyDelete