1970’s Lagos, Nigeria isn’t the best place for someone terrified of malaria, typhoid, and dengue fever. But for art history student Julianne Krueger, the chance to live there with her husband Theodore is reason enough to leave Boston. Once they’re in Nigeria, however, she gets hints about the dark side of her famous husband’s work. Though Theodore’s goal is to find a “cure” for schizophrenia, Julianne suspects his methodologies far more sinister, finding files that hint at dosing unwitting test subjects with LSD and depriving them of sleep for days.
While attempting to piece together the truth about Theodore, Julianne forms an alliance with Iyabo, a local artist with whom Julianne brings back an ancient tradition of indigo dyeing, forming a bustling business. However Ayo, Iyabo’s husband, helps Theodore with the bizarre work at the lab and will go to terrible lengths to keep Iyabo from Julianne.
As the two women plot to discover the truth, Julianne becomes pregnant. Though her happiness distracts briefly her from her mission, tragedy strikes when her child is stillborn, victim of a common parasite.
From the shattered pieces of her life, Julianne must recover everything, including her sanity. During this time, Theodore retreats further into his unethical research, more determined than ever to find a cure for madness. If Julianne and Iyabo can’t overcome their challenges, they risk losing their friendship and the lives of many they love as a result.
Please consider FULL MOON OVER LAGOS, historical literary fiction complete at 67,000 words, which will appeal to readers of such works as Barbara Kingsolver’s The Poisonwood Bible and Chinua Achebe’sThings Fall Apart. A graduate of Columbia University’s Literature and Writing Program, I currently teach at the American International School of Abuja, Nigeria.
I love this! If I were an agent I'd request the full immediately; although, I might be leery about the short word count, wondering if there's enough world building. The pregnancy's important to the novel, but I don't think it's important to the query. What you've written is a mini-synopsis, but all you really need is to entice the agent to read the novel. This can be done by focusing on Julianne's husband and her fight to stop him. (I assume that's what she's going to do, but unfortunately, she seems passive when it comes to the stakes.) What choice does she have to make? All I know is that she must recover everything (vague) and her sanity, but we still don't know what she must do.
ReplyDeleteGood luck because I do want to read this.
This is great! I agree with what Lanette said... tightening and focusing on the core conflict, and making Julianne seem more active (rather than passively enduring these difficulties) will kick it up a notch from a strong starting position. Julianne's dilemma is clear, but I want to know what she's doing to do about it (not the end resolution, but what kinds of action are even on the table).
ReplyDeleteIt might also be nice to get a better sense of what the two women are like... I have a sense of the difficulties they face, but I almost have a better sense of their husbands' personalities than I do of theirs.
Good luck!
Hi Jenny,
ReplyDeleteYour story comes across loud and clear in this query. Well done. I'm going to agree with the above comments that the pregnancy might be too "subplotish" for the query. I'm sure it's an important part of the story, but when you read it in the query, it seems like an aside. Rather than focus on this, maybe double down on the stakes of the novel. You gloss over "the lives of many they love" in the last sentence, but this is a huge part of your 35 word pitch, so I think it could really give your query an emotional punch. People are being harmed by these experiments - they aren't just theoretical. Julianne has a real dilemma - her husband or a group of people she has come to love.
Good luck with this. If you decide to revise, feel free to email it to me and I'll re-post it with "Revised" in the title.
Hi Jenny,
ReplyDeleteThis is a very nice query.
Loved the first paragraph - reminded me of Le Carre's The Constant Gardener.
Second paragraph, I understood, but tripped a little over the introduction of Ayo. I wonder if the word order of the sentence could be changed to "However Iyabo’s husband, Ayo,"
Fourth paragraph-- I really like that Julianne is questioning her sanity. It made me wonder if that was due to the stillbirth or (dramatic music) is her husband is dosing her with LSD?
Also I agree with M.A. Nicholson re: "the lives of many they love". Who does this refer to? And does it link to the first paragraph re:test subjects? Are the test subjects local volunteers or study abroad students or graduate students from a local university?
Tell me more!
Good luck,
Naomi
Just a couple of thoughts, though I would love to read the book. Try to watch words that can be eliminated, since pitches should be rather tight to allow a quick read. 'Once they're in Nigeria,...' could be shortened to In Nigeria, Julia picks up hints of a darker aspect to Theodore's work. or something of that nature. Same with the last sentence of the 4th paragraph. Try to make it more definitive. 'Julianne and Iyabo must find the truth, to save themselves and the ones they love.' Overcoming challenges, is a little generic to me.
ReplyDeleteIt isn't the same as your writing, you just want to cover the major points succinctly. And I agree with the others, the pregnancy can wait as an added surprise to the story, rather than the pitch. Probably the hardest thing about it, since it always feels rather bare.
The other thing I would say is I agree about the word count, particularly if you want to claim 'literary fiction'. I don't even know about the historic fiction, since I am not certain the 70's are considered historic yet -- heaven help me if it is, I'm not ready for that ;-) A short book (and 67,000 is short to me), covering such a wonderful subject which could be enlightening, as well as entertaining, would catch me off guard. I wouldn't fill it with rambling, but the dyeing process alone intrigues me. This is right up my alley, Good luck.
Thanks guys! Heading over to check out more of yours now. Will repost edits later. I've had quite a few people worried about the WC on this and it makes sense. I think I'll bump it over 70,000 and maybe market it as either lit. fiction or contemp. women's. It fits a bunch of genres, but is basically literary at its core. I'm also thinking multicultural because, well, it is. You are all great! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteAh, yes. Seen this before. Agree with others. Tighten it. Remember, character, conflict, choice. Keep it simple. Michael Larson of Pomona Larsen says a query should include the hook (what's unique about it), the book (conflict and stakes) and the cook (the author bio). Play around with it and keep it closer to 250 words if you can. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOh thank you and thank you all! This got into Team Electric! Here' my revisions based on your VERY HELPFUL feedback:
ReplyDelete1970’s Lagos, Nigeria isn’t the best place for someone terrified of malaria, typhoid, and dengue fever. But for art historian Julianne Krueger, living there with husband Theodore is reason enough to leave Boston. In Nigeria, Julianne blossoms as an artist but also discovers the dark side of her famous husband’s work. Though Theodore’s hopes for a “cure” for schizophrenia, Julianne finds files that hint at dosing unwitting test subjects with LSD and depriving them of sleep for days.
While piecing together the truth about Theodore, Julianne befriends Iyabo, a local artist with whom Julianne brings back an ancient tradition of indigo dyeing, forming a bustling business. However, Iyabo’s husband Ayo helps Theodore with the bizarre work at the lab and will go to terrible lengths to keep Iyabo from Julianne.
When tragedy hits, Julianne must recover everything, including her sanity. Theodore retreats further into his unethical research and Julianne and Iyabo must find the truth to save themselves and the ones they love.
Please consider FULL MOON OVER LAGOS, historical literary fiction complete at 67,000 words, which will appeal to readers of such works as Barbara Kingsolver’s The Poisonwood Bible and Chinua Achebe’s Things Fall Apart. A graduate of Columbia University’s Literature and Writing Program, I currently teach at the American International School of Abuja, Nigeria.
Hmmm - we all told you to drop the pregnancy but "when tragedy hits" is now reading vague. Not sure which way to go on that. Everything else is still really solid though.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm not surprised you got picked for a team. You had a very strong pitch. Congratulations and good luck!