Life is exciting when you’re on your own, making a new start and leaving your past behind. With supreme confidence in her eighteen years of experience, Terry does not recognize the pitfalls on the path to adulthood or the missteps that lead her astray.
A late night traffic stop by the police undermines her plan for independence. Intimidated by his veiled threats, Terry submits to the cop’s demands. The pain, the fear, and knowing something is being taken that she can never get back, makes it worse. Already humiliated, she doesn’t realize he will use her capitulation as future consent.
Drugs hide her shame; her pup, Sprout, provides comfort. The officer is stalking her, but she cannot go to the police when one of their own is her attacker. Terry feels trapped, with Sprout as her only protector. When she loses the pup, her desperation to defend herself takes a deadly turn.
Confused and terrified, Terry hopes for one last chance. She calls on the person who promised to help her, if she would trust him. Now Terry must take the risk of placing herself under the protection of a deputy sheriff from the neighboring county.
Finding himself in a precarious situation of sheltering the suspect in a murder, Deputy Blakely confronts the slippery concept of justice. Duty commands he turn her in; compassion tells him she may become a scapegoat for corruption.
SOMETHING TAKEN chronicles the a young woman’s desperate path to salvation in a difficult coming-of-age story, where growing up quickly is a necessity. Loosely based on actual events, the story is approached from a unique perspective. It is told first person by Terry, until the death of the Denver police officer. The narrative is then taken up first person by the Deputy, who investigates the murder with the help of his father, a retired deputy. The novel is complete at 110,000 words.
Hi Sue,
ReplyDeleteI like the premise of your novel. Can paragraphs 2 thru 4 be condensed and clarified? I completely missed the connection between Terry and the Deputy until I read it a second and third time. That being, that he is the "person who promised to help her" and that she is the murder suspect he is sheltering?
Hi Sue,
ReplyDeleteThe premise of your novel is intriguing. I feel like this can be tightened up a great deal. Currently, it is too long for a query. I agree with Nay who said that you could condense and clarify. If you could do those things, this query would quickly be much sharper.
the things I really want to know is why would the deputy risk sheltering her? I also want to know the connection between the deputy and Terry, it wasn't completely clear.
Good luck with your revisions.
Hi Sue,
ReplyDeleteInteresting story!
I am wondering if you need paragraph 1 at all. It's sort of a generalization about teens rather than anything specific to the story.
For the rest, I feel like you're hinting around at the things that take place in the story without being explicit. Can you for instance be extra clear that she's been raped, if that's what has happened? How do drugs hide her shame? Do you mean they help her to forget?
I would echo the above that you should be clear about the Deputy as well.
Last - you should tell us what the genre is in the statement where you give us the word count.
Good luck with this. Sounds like a good story. If you want to revise it, just email it to me and I'll repost with "Revised" in the subject line.
Yikes what a chilling premise. In a good I'd-like-to-read-this-novel way :)
ReplyDeleteThe word count is too long for query. If you could somehow condense it and tighten it, you're on your way to a pretty awesome query.
I like how it starts out all sunny then turns dark really quickly. I'd condense the first paragraph. Make it tight.
The second paragraph, if it's rape, then make it clear. Agents are busy so want to make things crystal clear to them.
You could probably take out the puppy, unless he's really important to the story line. As is, it's hard to imagine the pup is her "protector"?
Make it clear the person she turns to is the deputy. Something like: "Confused and terrified, Terry's last hope/chance is Deputy Blakeley, the sheriff from the neighboring county." I'm not really sure why Terry "must take the risk of placing herself under the protection" unless you mean that she thinks he's corrupt too?
Good luck!
Thank you all for your comments, its a huge help and gives me ideas where to work on it.
ReplyDeleteJust one question -- since the dog is rather important in the story and shows up at the very beginning, should I leave him in?
I agree that the first paragraph can be eliminated without harming the query. The query itself is overly vague. While good to keep some teasers, this reads like a litany of teasers. Did Terry murder the officer? If so, I think it should be stated clearly.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of the two POV narratives. The story itself is something I would read, but the query could be explicit in some areas.