Jacoby Mortensen is at his wits end.
Life with an addict isn't easy and being the primary caregiver to someone who suffers from mental illness makes it twice as hard. Jacoby said for better or for worse but he never dreamed that the definition of 'worse' would see Jimmy having a serious mental breakdown, losing his job, and damn near tearing their relationship to shreds in the process.
If Jimmy would keep on his psych meds, their marriage wouldn't be crumbling down around them and Jimmy wouldn't have lost his job. These are the times Jacoby asks himself what he sees in Jimmy. Then he remembers why he married him in the first place: he saw the potential that no one else could. He knew Jimmy was capable of great things and he needed a chance to prove it.
Jimmy thinks he can take care of things fine on his own. He starts self-medicating with weed, cocaine, anything he can hide from Jacoby. He didn’t plan to confess his spiraling drug use to his boss, but his mouth gets ahead of his brain. When he confesses his problem to Jacoby, he thinks he’ll stick by him, like he always has. But this time, Jacoby’s had enough.
And when Jacoby confronts Jimmy about drug use, and going off his meds, it comes down to a violent show-down in the neighbor's yard. Because not only is Jimmy hiding a slow relapse into drug abuse, he goes behind Jacoby's back and takes a job in California. Jacoby knows what's waiting for Jimmy in California and it's more than a job: it's Brian, Jimmy's ex. Refusing to leave Iowa, Jacoby flies out to California with an ultimatum: stop lying and decide if Jimmy's serious about their marriage. Jimmy's done some awful things to Jacoby over the years, but Jacoby's never left him for good. This time, it might be the only option Jacoby has left.
RESCUE ME is contemporary LGBT romance complete at 85,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Hi Kel,
ReplyDeleteI see you've added this in to help explain what Jacoby sees in Jimmy:
"Then he remembers why he married him in the first place: he saw the potential that no one else could. He knew Jimmy was capable of great things and he needed a chance to prove it."
This is telling us but it's not very convincing. Have you ever known anyone with a horrible spouse and they say "Really, he's great when we're alone together." It's like that. If you're going to spend 3 1/2 paragraphs telling us in detail how difficult it is to be with Jimmy, a couple of vague statements about how great he is makes me think I'm going to be in for a very gritty difficult ride.
And if that's the case - maybe the question is, what the hell is wrong with Jacoby? Is he a co-dependent of the worst variety? Maybe - if that's the story, then make the case for it.
Also, be aware your word count has crept up. You want to keep it around 250-300ish.
Good luck. Keep at it!
That's a good point about the ride...it is very gritty and difficult...yet Jacoby stays. I wonder how best to bring that in...friends don't ask him to leave, but he confides in them...and his pastor...and at times, he does ask himself why he stays...hrm.
DeleteI'm probably not the best person to comment on this query because this is a genre with which I'm unfamiliar. But my gut reaction is this ms needs some subplots. I DO like the overall premise of someone on the verge of leaving a long time destructive relationship... is there something new that comes along in Jacoby's life that stirs him to action (even if loyalty ultimately prevails)? The cliche would be someone new, but it could be a new business opportunity, a natural disaster, a spirit quest...
ReplyDeleteThere are some sub plots going on: Jimmy slipping back into drugs, Jacoby has an accident at work, Jimmy leaves for California and starts feelings for his ex again, Jacoby is talking to his ex (a woman, no less...awkward...)...would it help to bring some of those in?
DeleteDoh! Posted my comment on the older version before I saw this version!
ReplyDeleteI think you're heading in the right direction with the type of info you're including, but maybe you could include it in a more colorful and voice-ful way? For instance:
"being the primary caregiver to someone who suffers from mental illness" - That's a little dry... How would Jacoby describe this? What words would HE use inside his own head, or to a close friend? Can you get across how he feels about it in his voice here? Maybe even use a variation on some language from the novel if there's a scene where he's bitching about Jimmy to a friend or something.
"having a serious mental breakdown" -- again, we have so many flavorful euphemisms for this in our language... is there one Jacoby would use? Might be a good point to bring in your voice!
You DO have voice in there with "damn near tearing their relationship to shreds" -- great!
I like the addition of "Jimmy thinks he can take care of things just fine on his own" & "self-medicating" -- that whole paragraph gives us a nice window into his perspective.
I also still think it'd be great to bring back in the detail about their relationship starting with Jacoby saving Jimmy's life.
I agree that trimming this back down in overall length would be a good plan. Maybe you can try to boil it down and distill it into the essence of the relationship and conflict -- when you're making cuts, look for words that don't bring voice or tension into the query, and get rid of those.
I know you've been working really hard on this, and I think you're getting closer and closer -- I'm rooting for you! Good luck!
Thank you =)
DeleteThis query has been so hard to nail down! Jacoby is with Jimmy because he loves him. He sees it as his duty to keep this marriage going, keep Jimmy clean and sober. When Jimmy can't keep himself in line, Jack feels like he needs to step in. And he does, even if he ends up leaving after one fight. BUT he comes back. And while the second fight doesn't turn out that great, he's there.
Jacoby is an EMT...that's why there's so much clinical-sounding language...but I wonder if, in the heat of the moment, he'd still be clinical...I should ponder that. I have a hospital background and can stay clinical in most situations, but this one might be different for him.
Good things to ponder!
Thank you =)
I like the premise of this one and agree that the voice of Jacoby needs to come through more (something I stuggle with in my own queries). I think the clinical language is fine if we know he's an EMT right away. I'd play up the sublot of him having feelings for his ex. Even though this is a book about the relationship between Jacoby and Jimmy, adding in a twist might help clarify the story more. What about his ex calls to him, is the ex not an addict? More loving? Someone Jacoby can lean on? Good luck with it. Queries are hard. Here's something I pinned to Pinterest that might help:
Deletehttp://www.pinterest.com/pin/69031806763024028/
I don't have much to add except YES, please play up the EMT angle. It makes more sense character development wise that a career caregiver would have a "permanent patient" in his life!
ReplyDeleteI'm revising now but struggling how to get the EMT angle in there...should I say something in the beginning about Jacoby being an EMT in training when he rescued Jimmy from the streets of Omaha?
DeleteHere's an updated version...did I get it tighter and more voice?
ReplyDeleteJacoby Mortensen is at his wits end.
Life with an addict isn't easy and being the primary caregiver to someone who suffers from mental illness makes it twice as hard. Jacoby was an EMT in training when he rescued Jimmy from the streets of Omaha. A year later, he said for better or worse, but he never dreamed that the definition of 'worse' would see Jimmy having an atomic meltdown, losing his job, and damn near tearing their relationship to shreds in the process.
Jimmy thinks he can take care of things fine on his own. He starts self-medicating with weed, cocaine, anything he can hide from Jacoby. In a moment of weakness, he confesses his problem to Jacoby. He thinks he’ll stick by him, like he always has. But this time, Jacoby’s had enough.
Turning to his ex-wife for advice, Jacoby finds his feelings rebuilding for the woman he divorced years ago. He's cautioned by his pastor to stop seeking the woman out, but he's drawn to her. She's stable. She's not an addict. She's not slowly slipping away from him.
Jimmy decides to take matters into his own hands to find a job. When a job offer comes in from California, he hops on the first flight headed west. But his first night out there, his ex-boyfriend gets engaged, and his heart is crushed. He left that relationship behind years ago---or did he? His feelings are mounting and resisting the urge to give in gets harder and harder the more time they spend together.
Refusing to leave Iowa, Jacoby flies out to California with an ultimatum: stop lying and decide if Jimmy's serious about their marriage. Jimmy's done some awful things to Jacoby over the years, but Jacoby's never left him for good. This time, it might be the only option Jacoby has left.
RESCUE ME is contemporary LGBT romance complete at 85,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
I think you have a great (albeit gritty) love story. Word count can go down a bit (aim for 250-300). Is it told from 2 different POVs? You could tighten it a bit by cutting out the pastor sentence (mounts the tension between Jacoby's feelings for Jimmy vs ex-wife).
ReplyDelete"Refusing to leave Iowa, Jacoby flies out to California with an ultimatum: stop lying and decide if Jimmy's serious about their marriage." --If he refuses to leave Iowa, then he can't hop on a plane right after stating he's refusing to leave Iowa.
I think you should delve more into the feelings between Jacoby and Jimmy. I get they're hurting, they're troubled, but I'm not really seeing why they're in love with each other. I get more the sense that they each have a foot out the door already.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
I'm working on tightening this morning. You're definitely getting the right impression: it is about them having a foot out the door...and how the hell they're going to come back together. The novel doesn't really get into their good feelings...it follows the ups and downs of Jimmy's poor choices and how it affects their relationship...and at the end, it looks at how they're going end: separate or together.
DeleteThis clocks in at 302 words...and I tried to tighten even more...does this sound better? Making minor tweaks at this point...
DeleteJacoby Mortensen is at his wits end.
Life with an addict isn't easy and being the primary caregiver to someone who suffers from mental illness makes it twice as hard. Jacoby was an EMT in training when he rescued Jimmy from the streets of Omaha. A year later, he said for better or worse, but he never dreamed that the definition of 'worse' would see Jimmy having an atomic meltdown, losing his job, and damn near tearing their relationship to shreds in the process.
Jimmy thinks he can take care of things fine on his own. He starts self-medicating with weed, cocaine, anything he can hide. In a moment of weakness, he confesses his problem to Jacoby. He thinks he’ll stick by him, like he always has. But this time, Jacoby’s had enough.
Turning to his ex-wife for advice, Jacoby finds his feelings resurfacing for the woman he divorced years ago. She's stable. She's not an addict. She's not slowly slipping away from him.
Jimmy decides to take matters into his own hands to find a job. When a job offer comes in from California, he hops on the first flight headed west. But his first night out there, his ex-boyfriend gets engaged, and his heart is crushed. He left that relationship behind years ago---or did he? His feelings are mounting and resisting the urge to give in gets harder and harder the more time they spend together.
Jacoby flies out to California with an ultimatum: stop lying and decide if Jimmy's serious about their marriage. Jimmy's done some awful things to Jacoby over the years, but Jacoby's never left him for good. This time, it might be the only option Jacoby has left.
RESCUE ME is contemporary LGBT romance complete at 85,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.