A revision for this entry has been posted here.
Hop’s Greenwood’s previous birthdays have plunged him into a series of increasingly bizarre and dangerous mishaps. From tumbling down the staircase in his electric car to being flattened by a flying mattress, each birthday is worse than the last. Believing that his 12th birthday is going to do him in for good, Hop goes after several jinx cures he discovers on the Internet. The results aren’t what he expects, especially after a morning of juvenile delinquency to scare the curse away.
While he pursues more positive solutions, his mother and father seem on the verge of a divorce; he’s about to make the transition to middle school; and his best friend is turning from a tomboy into a girl. With the clock ticking down to another disaster, a connection with a 98-year-old man and a classic book may be his best chance. But will it be enough to keep Hop out of the E.R. and his family intact? This birthday will unwrap some surprising answers.
THE BIRTHDAY JINX is a 40,000-word offbeat contemporary middle grade novel now available for representation.
This sounds like a neat concept with a lot of fun hijinks!
ReplyDeleteFirst line - "Hop's" - I assume this is a leftover typo from before you added his last name?
I think you should make it clear whether the jinx is real or not (and if it is, your genre may want to be fantasy), or whether it's left ambiguous a la Bailey School Kids. I couldn't quite tell from the query, though if I had to guess I'd say it's not real.
There are a few places where you could replace vague statements with specifics. For instance, "The results aren't what he expects," "pursues more positives solutions," "some surprising answers" (though I do love the use of unwraps in that sentence). While you certainly shouldn't give away every plot twist, it'd be good to give some examples or at least use more specific language to hint more strongly at what these phrases refer to.
Finally, I would cut the phrase "now available for representation."
This sounds like a really fun story -- good luck with it!
Thanks Melissa. I will do some tweaking and yes, it should read Hop Greenwood's...
DeleteHi Greg,
ReplyDeleteYour story sounds great and I absoluely love the voice and style of your query. I agree with Melissa that you want to root out the vague statements.
Whatever you do, keep this line: "his best friend is turning from a tomboy into a girl." That is gorgeous.
Let me know if you revise and I'll repost it. Good luck!
Greg,
ReplyDeleteSounds like a fun story. Melissa gave some good advice on making the query clearer through specifics and I agree with M.A. that you've got a great voice in this pitch.
Really that's all I've got to say... besides I hope to see your story in the list b/c it sounds humorous.
Best Wishes,
Joseph
I agree with Melissa's comments on the Hop's apostrophe and story specifics. That said, flattened by a flying mattress? How cool is that? Well, perhaps not for Hops...
ReplyDeleteA few notes:
"Believing that his 12th birthday is going to do him in for good" --> "Believing his 12th birthday will do him in for good" will make the sentence less passive.
With the 2nd paragraph, I'm not sure if agents go for laundry list action (ie. the semi-colons). Perhaps separate them out into individual sentences?
And it'd be fun to see what kind of punishment Hop's parents have in store for him after his juvenile scare. Great story!