Hope’s power to control fire, water, earth, and air is the key in saving the Unies—super-humans—from extinction. A secret she didn’t know until her forbidden love for a human boy threatens her species’ last chance for survival.
Hope thought she had everything she wanted the day she set foot in Brander High after years of homeschool. For the first time she has a BFF, not to mention a hot telepathic jock has a crush on her. But her life goes from cheery to downright wrong the night she and her BFF hide their identities and sneak into a Los Angeles night club. There she meets a handsome and mysterious human, Tristan. Before she knows it, he has her heart, and she lying to everyone to keep their love a secret. She knows her relationship with Tristan could land her in Lockup, or worse if they’re caught. But what she didn’t anticipate, her reckless behavior jeopardizing the fate of every Uni.
Born without the birthmark which connects all Unies, and set apart due her rarity, Hope’s isolation wasn’t a sick joke. A powerful human knows about her—he’s spent seventeen years looking for her. Now he has a bio-weapon in arm’s reach and plans to eradicate the Uni problem once and for all. Hope’s terrified of what she’ll have to release to stop him knowing it might just kill her in the end. Ultimately, she must decide if she’s willing to condemn an entire species for Tristan. Or she will become the Unies last beacon of hope, saving them from a fate worse than death.
Wow, this is so much better! It's way clearer -- I have a much better sense of what's going on in the story -- and the language is cleaner and tighter, too. Excellent revision!
ReplyDeleteIt also sounds more unique, and you did a great job bringing in some really intriguing details about the setting. All around fantastic job!
At this point I only have little things to point out -- I think you've solved most or all of the big issues.
First paragraph: "the key in" --> "the key to"
Second paragraph: I'd either change "not to mention" to "and" or otherwise edit -- there's something awkward about the comma after BFF.
"she lying" --> "she's lying"
Get rid of comma after Lockup
"But what she didn't anticipate" -- think you need to reword this sentence slightly
Third paragraph: Need a comma after "stop him"
Maybe combine last 2 sentences, or reword? Currently a little awkward.
Last paragraph -- I don't think it's set in two species, so you may want to reword slightly. :)
Finally, can you be more specific about the fate worse than death? This is crucial -- you're laying out the big stakes -- so you don't want to use a cliche.
Such a great revision! Excellent work! Good luck with this.
Monica - this has come a LONG way towards clarifying the story. Good work there. I think you just need to read it over for grammar and sentence fragments at this point. There are a few areas that need cleaning up, but I'm going to assume that you're getting tired and it's starting to impact your revisions. Take a break and come back at this with fresh eyes. It's really dramatically improved but needs some house keeping. Congratulations on a terrific query!
ReplyDeleteLadies, thanks so much for you comments! I really appreciate it. I'm pooped and my brain is fried, so I apologize for my careless mistakes. I'll clean this up tomorrow when I'm coherent. Until tomorrow...
ReplyDeleteI agree with the grammar--if you clean it up, you have a pretty strong query! A few things:
ReplyDelete"A secret she didn’t know until her forbidden love for a human boy threatens her species’ last chance for survival." --The sentence structure is a little abrupt from the flow of the first sentence, so I'm confused what the secret is? Is it the ability to control the elements?
I love "set in a nation torn apart by hate, and two species on the brink of a second war" but I would have liked to see this at the beginning of the query, just because I couldn't understand why she has to lie to everyone to keep their relationship a secret in the 2nd paragraph. Her parents don't like him? He's from the wrong side of the tracks? It wasn't until I read the nations torn apart by hate, that I had the "aha!" moment.
Hope this helps!
AHHH! I can't seem to get this last sentence to work!
ReplyDelete