Avery loves three things: comic books, magic tricks, and avoiding trouble. Too bad the T-word follows him around like a herd of black cats with long claws and sharp teeth. Even his eleventh birthday can't stop the parade of bad luck, which only gets worse when Mortissa, the Wicked Witch of the Midwest, tricks him into freeing a murderous raven named Nevermore from its cage. Not only does this magically bond him to the cold-blooded bird, but it also makes him a useful tool in the witch's plans to remake the world into a twisted fantasyland.
As if learning magic is real and storybook characters have been living in our world for ages weren't enough to take in, Avery also finds out his grandparents are magi, their cat is the real Cheshire, and Long John Silver runs a restaurant/spy ring in town. Oh, and to cap everything off, Avery discovers he has the ability to alter reality with his imagination.
Mind = Blown!
As his day goes from frying pan to fire, Avery discovers he's not the only child being used by Mortissa. Olivia, a girl who can grant wishes, is also under the witch's control. With time running out, Avery's only chance to throw a flying monkey wrench into Mortissa's plans is to break into Dante's Inferno and release her mother, the Wicked Witch of the East. Preferably, this would be a job for Superman, but since the slacker isn't around Avery and Olivia will need to summon their inner heroes and try to put things right themselves. And if they fail, Mortissa will be able to keep them as her slaves, the world as they know it might end, and Avery will never get to finish reading his Ultimate Spider-Man collection.
Correct me if I'm wrong - this entire thing takes place in the kids' imaginations? If so, that is REALLY cool. The only reason I figured this though was the utter non-chalance with which he seems to take being tricked by the Wicked Witch of the Midwest...
ReplyDeleteI have this image now of Avery and Olivia playing in their backyard imaging all these things, pulling in their neighbors - the mean lady next door - into their plot.
Tell me if I'm totally mis-interpreting this. If this is the way it is though - give me just ONE line in this query to validate my suspicions so I can be certain that I'm on the right track. If I'm on the wrong track, that needs to be made clear too.
Also - I'm now an agent and I'm requesting pages. (Not really, but really.)
I feel like I've been buried in an avalanche of ideas. But I'm not sure what the stakes are in this story. How does Avery win or lose, and what would happen either way?
ReplyDeleteI agree with both commenters above...You have put in so many fantastical ideas and characters that it's pretty confusing and I don't know what the plot is or the stakes. Also, your voice is very nonchalant which is kind of cute and clever but reduces any stakes that might be there. It sounds like a great fantasy, pulling in a lot of well-known and loved characters. Reminds me of the Jolly Pocket Postman a bit (although that is a picture book). Good luck! This querying is a hard business!
ReplyDeleteI like this part a lot: like a herd of black cats with long claws and sharp teeth.
ReplyDeleteI suggest starting with his 11th birthday, since that seems to be where the story starts.
Cut 'mind=blown'
Interesting idea, but you need to do some rearranging, cutting, rephrasing, and tightening.
What's the T-word? Not knowing that threw me off after a good first line.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice here, and all the clever ideas and reinterpretations! This looks awesome.
ReplyDeleteI agree that there are probably more details here than you need -- they're all great, but they might overwhelm. I wouldn't cut too many, but lightening the detail load a bit (especially in terms of names) might help make it more streamlined and easier to follow.
I agree you could cut Mind = Blown, or if you want to keep it, I'd pull it up into the previous paragraph.
I absolutely love some of your turns of phrase (flying monkey wrench, snerk!) and think this sounds like a real romp that would really appeal to your age bracket (my kids would definitely read it). Good luck with it!
Love the voice! You capture the age so well! I like the nonchalance, but it has to get a bit darker toward the end of the 3rd para if they're really fighting for their lives and saving the world.
ReplyDelete"Avery's only chance to throw a flying monkey wrench into Mortissa's plans is to break into Dante's Inferno and release her mother, the Wicked Witch of the East." -- It took a 2nd read-thru to get "her mother" is Mortissa's mother and not Avery's.
Love "like a herd of black cats with long claws and sharp teeth. Even his eleventh birthday can't stop the parade of bad luck," "Preferably, this would be a job for Superman, but since the slacker isn't around"--keep these in the query! do not cut!
I really like the premise and the mention of other fairytales/superheros. You could probably cut out grandparents and Long John Silver tighten the query.
Good luck!
Thanks everyone, I've had a busy week and haven't been able to make a revision, yet, but tomorrow looks promising. ;)
ReplyDeleteGood luck on Pitch Slam. Hope you get some ninja requests!
ReplyDelete