Dear Agent,
I am currently seeking representation for my mystery novel, DIAMOND ON A LIZARD’S TAIL (81,000 words). Given your interest in mysteries, I thought it might be a good addition to your list.
When toxicologist Carol Westin is arrested for leaking classified information from the New Jersey Department of Health, she is not concerned at first. She didn’t do it, after all, and already has her hands full dealing with disgruntled citizen activists and appeasing smarmy political appointees.
But when Carol gets arrested again, this time for murder, and learns that someone is killing reporters to get to her files, she reluctantly turns to the only person who can help her, outrageous political blogger and self-described whistleblower, Bulldog Kominski. It was Bulldog’s post of the classified files that got Carol into trouble in the first place, and it’s Bulldog who must help her get out of it. The trouble is, they can’t stand each other.
When the unlikely duo finally come close to uncovering who leaked Carol’s files and who is killing people to get them, they discover a corrupt partnership that was hiding right under Carol’s nose all along.
Having worked as an environmental scientist and managed a group of 60 environmental scientists, including toxicologists, in a state government research division for 20 years, I draw from a vast reservoir of experience. I have published over 30 scientific articles alone and collaboratively in technical journals like Environmental Science and Technology, but this is my first piece of fiction.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Pat Harris
Hi Pat,
ReplyDeleteI think your query reads very clear. I understand the who and the what and the stakes. What I'm missing is your voice. It reads so clear, it's kind of plain. Granted, I'm not much of a reader of mystery and that may be perfectly fine, so take my advice with a grain of salt if so.
Otherwise, I'm no expert on query letters, but I've read enough of Query Shark's archives to make me question including anything about the toxicology articles. I don't know that they will count as a credit towards having been published since they are non-fiction, but I suppose they give you credibility in writing about toxicology. However, as Query Shark points out, in fiction, you really don't need credentials. Again - grain of salt.
Good work and good luck!
Thank you! That's a challenge for me - voice. Something to work on, for sure. Plain is not good for any genre - needs that grain of salt to spice it up! Thanks again for doing this clinic. Very helpful!
DeleteProbably the main thing that jumped out at me (a defense attorney) was that being charged with a career ending felony didn't bother Westin. My guess is that in your ms, it bothers her a lot, just not as much as being charged with murder. So that's an easy fix.
ReplyDeleteThe only other thing that may be a problem is you reveal the real culprit. Some agents don't like too much revealed in queries. So I think you can just chop paragraph 4. Otherwise it's a very nice query.
My last thought is whether Carol is well drawn enough in the query. We know she's a professional toxicologist. I'm imagining someone who is methodical and orthodox (nothing wrong with it). Maybe we need to know a few more details to indicate her color and charm.
It's a great premise, but I'm a little shocked that she isn't concerned when she's arrested the first time. That takes guts! As a law-abiding citizen, that would be my greatest concern, screw the activists and appointees. My two cents :)
ReplyDelete"It was Bulldog’s post of the classified files that got Carol into trouble in the first place, and it’s Bulldog who must help her get out of it." --I think you can cut this line because it raises more questions. Why must Bulldog help her? If they can't stand each other, then Bulldog should have no reason to help her.
If she's arrested for murder, does she post bail? Or does she get Bulldog to help her while she's in prison? Does she bust out of prison?
For the 4th para, instead of saying they come close to finding the culprit, say something like "racing against time (or something else), they must fight big pharma and corruption to get to the bottom of who's killing innocent reporters. Before Carol is locked away for good."
Hope this helps. Good luck!
Thank you - these are great comments!
ReplyDelete