Livy never wanted to go to the stupid party, but every high schooler should experience at least one, right? Now, all she can think about is Ethan and his dark-eyes; full of promises she won’t ever let herself believe. Her dad taught her better than that after he cheated on her mom and abandoned them without so much as a goodbye. No, she’ll never end up heartbroken over some guy… but damn, those eyes.
Eight years later, Livy’s back in her hometown about to start grad school. She’s worked her ass off to get here, so is a little confounded she can’t shake the feeling that something’s missing—or someone. It’s been three years since she last saw Ethan. Walking away from him after he declared his feelings wasn’t one of her best moments, but she panicked and ran. Now they’re in the same town and Livy knows it won’t be long until their paths cross again. And when they do she isn’t sure she’ll be able to walk away this time.
Ethan waited once before; she hopes he’s still waiting, because maybe, just maybe, some things are worth the risk, after all.
I don't do romance, so my opinion in the matter doesn't count for much. I feel like you could bring the conflict to the surface a little better. The last line sounds like she's already come to grips with everything and is ready for a relationship. I would have thought that part of the conflict in the novel is coming to that place. So I'd like to see more of the conflict, less of it's ultimate resolution.
ReplyDeleteI do have a general thought that you could clean up the words so the flow of your sentences moves a little better (specifically the second sentence of the second paragraph hitched me, so smooth it out).
Good luck!
Ok Lianne - you know I love your story so let's knock this query into shape.
ReplyDeleteThis feels like reading the first page of two different stories. You've thrown us into her head at a specific point in time in two different timelines. I feel like you're writing the first 250 instead of a query letter - it's missing synopsis.
I'm also confused that "eight years" pass and it's been "three years" since she saw Ethan. What happened to five years?
I would suggest writing the story out as a synopsis with bare bones plot, conflict and stakes - even if it seems boring as hell to write it that way. Then use that to hang the rest of your voice on. Here you're all voice, no structure. Get the structure first.
I've seen you do magic before. I know you can do it again. Good luck. And when you have a revision, email it to me and I'll re-post it with "Revision" in the subject.
You're both right. I'm really struggling to convey the heart if the story as it has three pivotal 'times'. Will revise as suggested and be back
DeleteI'm having the same problem. This isn't the 35 or the 250 but a place to make the case for your book. I think both of us are going to start out right out front explaining what our book IS since it's not straight-forward. Just explicitly saying "This is a book that takes place across three pivotal times in Livy's life" somehow... Then you could lay out three paragraphs - one for each time.
ReplyDelete*going to = going to have to.
DeleteThe hook is pretty good. You captured the NA voice with that one sentence, so it's a good orientation to the novel. That said, I was surprised by the eight year jump in the 2nd para, especially for a NA novel. If you could add a sentence at the beginning explaining the time jump (M.A. Nicholson's comments), it would clarify the storyline better.
ReplyDelete"She’s worked her ass off to get here," --really like this line. But I think you can condense the rest of this paragraph into paragraph 1 because it's reading like backstory in para 2. If you add it into para 1--in the same time period--it's not backstory anymore. It's real time events.
Focus the 2nd para on rekindling the sparks between Ethan and Lily. Draw out heat, the stakes. Why would Ethan want her after being burned by her before? Address these issues and I think you're on your way to a solid query!