Fifteen-year-old January Stone desperately wants not to be alone. But she doesn’t realize being hard to find is the only thing keeping her alive.
January makes uncontrolled jumps across America in her sleep. With her world starting from scratch each morning, love seems impossible — until she meets Cassie, a haunted, bookish girl who isn’t willing to let January go. But when January reaches out to Cassie across the ever-changing distance that separates them, it reveals her to the Fallen: once-human monsters with pits of black mist for eyes. They’ve hunted her for years, and now they’re out to devour her soul.
She isn’t the only one they’re after. Running from the Fallen, January finds a place among her fellow Dreamwalkers: teens who protect sleeping minds from an invading presence that creates the Fallen and turns ordinary people into puppets. With friends at her side, January is ready to fight back at last... if she can keep the fractious Dreamwalkers from turning on each other. But when evidence surfaces of a traitor among them, January discovers a secret burden from her own past that may force her to abandon Cassie — or become a Fallen herself.
JANUARY IN SHADOW is a YA contemporary fantasy, complete at 65,000 words.
I'm intrigued and there is just enough left hanging to encourage me to want to read more... Dreamwalkers, traitors, and a secret burden. Nice revision.
ReplyDeleteThe hook doesn't grab me, but I don't have any suggestions how to fix it.
ReplyDeleteWhat is an uncontrolled jump? Is it teleporting? If so, just say teleporting. Starting from scratch? You need to cut or explain these so that the agent isn't confused.
Have there been hints that these Fallen are after her? (I love your description of them)
This is the first I'm hearing about Dreamwalkers. I think that fits into the jumps from the beginning. Connect it.
Definitely interested.
Hey Melissa - this is getting better.
ReplyDeleteI meant to mention last time and forgot - I'm bugged by "desperately wants not to be alone". It's a bit awkward. Even "desperately doesn't want to be alone" sounds a little better to my ears.
You've done a much better job of getting your story laid out and most of it is a lot clearer. Like EndlessD, the Dreamwalkers is still confusing. You bring it up as though they are separate from January but at the same time, like they are her people. Maybe it would be good to label her a Dreamwalker straight from the get-go and explain what they do? It seems like they come out of nowhere in the query.
And I'm still not terribly clear on why she has to abandon Cassie. I know you don't want to just tell the story straight out, but too much mystery isn't going to serve you well either. Try writing it that all out explicitly and then scale it back as needed. Vague is the death of us.
It's coming together nicely. I think you're very close! Good luck!
How deliciously scary. Really enjoy the Dreamwalkers and Fallen. Are the two factions going to fight each other? Or are the fractious Dreamwalkers only fighting amongst themselves? Make it clearer.
ReplyDeleteI think you can cut the first paragraph as it doesn't really do anything for the storyline. "Fifteen year old January makes uncontrolled jumps" might be a better start.
"But when January reaches out to Cassie across the ever-changing distance that separates them, it reveals her to the Fallen..." What is the "it" that reveals to her the Fallen?