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NA romance-retelling of Phantom of the Opera
When aspiring, twenty-two-year old opera singer, Ash loses his lover and vocal coach, Isabette to a car crash, his hopeful career takes a detour. With the unexpected help and comfort of his childhood friend, Teagan, Ash begins to heal until Isabette’s ghost materializes and offers to possess him to help guide his career. Desperate to be with her once more, he agrees.
With Isabette’s vocal guidance, he lands a role in an upcoming opera. But when Isabette murders in the guise of helping Ash’s operatic career, he refuses to harbor her spirit any longer.
Determined to have the life she misses, Isabette decides to take over Teagan’s body so she and Ash can be together like they planned. Ash is sickened by her actions, but she still won’t return Teagan’s soul. The longer Isabette inhabits Teagan’s body, the less chance there is of Teagan ever returning, which is just what Isabette wants. Ash must find a way to exorcise Isabette from Teagan before it’s too late.
With Isabette’s vocal guidance, he lands a role in an upcoming opera. But when Isabette murders in the guise of helping Ash’s operatic career, he refuses to harbor her spirit any longer.
Determined to have the life she misses, Isabette decides to take over Teagan’s body so she and Ash can be together like they planned. Ash is sickened by her actions, but she still won’t return Teagan’s soul. The longer Isabette inhabits Teagan’s body, the less chance there is of Teagan ever returning, which is just what Isabette wants. Ash must find a way to exorcise Isabette from Teagan before it’s too late.
I love this idea - I'm a huge Phantom fan.
ReplyDeleteAt the moment your query reads (to my untrained eye) a little synopsis-y. I'm not getting a sense of your characters - you tell rather than show. You've done a great job of summarising your story now you need to add some voice and pizazz...
I want to know more about Ash - how does he feel - is he mourning / distraught / depressed / desperate? And it's a ghost story - but I don't really get a sense of a ghost? Does Isabette haunt / play tricks / get up to no good?
Good luck = )
I really dig this. Sounds like a cool flip of the Phantom. I have two quibbly comments. It was reading along great until I hit: "But when Isabette murders in the guise of helping Ash’s operatic career, he refuses to harbor her spirit any longer."
ReplyDeleteIn the guise of - isn't the phrase I would use there. I think of guise as having to do with appearance. *Maybe* "under the guise* would work, but still it hits me odd. "under the pretext" maybe?
Then I don't think you need to say "which is just what Isabette wants" as I think that's already apparent.
Looking great - good luck with this. If you want me to post a revision, just email it to me and I'll put it up with "Revised" in the subject line.
This sounds awesome! I agree that you have all the right info and elements here, and you mostly just need to make the language punchier.
ReplyDeleteCan you lead off with a stronger hook? You have so much great stuff in here -- bring something into the first sentence or so that will really grab attention. Remember that you can imply a lot of the backstory -- so you could lead with loss of lover/ghost rather than happy career/car crash. Actually, I seem to dimly remember your PitMad pitch, which was awesome -- maybe you could lead with something along those lines as a hook.
Generally speaking, I think you can use stronger, harder-hitting words in some places -- like offers/agrees at the end of the first paragraph, which sounds more like a business transaction than a bittersweet creepy possession pact with a dead lover. Pick words that will bring emotional punch and voice into the query (to state the same facts).
Other words that come off as weaker than the cool and dramatic events they're expressing include things like vocal guidance, in the guise of, determined, misses, like they planned (you can probably just cut that phrase), wants.
The story itself sounds really strong! Just bring in more vivid language (and maybe some specific details, if you have any good, grabby ones up your sleeve?) to make us feel it more viscerally, and I think you're in great shape.
Good luck!
You've received some great comments here, and I'm not sure how much I can add to it. I will say it sounds interesting, and I like the fact you have made the MC a male.
ReplyDeleteThe query is short, and I think you have room to add a bit more about Ash and maybe touch on he dreams and goals he might have had before Isabette died. I'm don't feel I'm in the position to tell you that you need more "voice" in the letter when I'm struggling with it myself....:-)
Thanks for the help. I'll do a revision.
ReplyDeleteLove the twist on Phantom! It's my favorite musical so really intrigued by your premise. I agree with Melissa--make the language stronger. Take out: "hopeful, begins to heal, still, just." You have a great story here so make the query do it justice!
ReplyDeleteYou could try: "His childhood friend, Teagan, comforts Ash in his grief but he's haunted by..." or "helps him cope in his grief"
And if Ash ends up with Teagan romantically, you might want to consider adding that he's developed feelings for her. It ups the stakes (losing his love Isabette once, then facing the prospect he'll lose Teagan because he was still hung up with Isabette and couldn't see he's falling for Teagan.) I could be way off base if they don't end up falling in love :)
Please see revision. Thanks.
ReplyDelete