Bred to strike hard and fast, Lysander belongs to an elite guild of assassins known as The Shadows. When their latest mission goes awry, he’s betrayed by his own and left for dead. From the depths of oblivion, Lysander awakens to a ravishing angel caressing him in the most intimate of places…and to find he’s crippled and immobile. With the police hunting The Shadows, he’s trapped with no choice but to claim he has no recollection of who he is.
Spirited country miss Lady Olivia Woodward is mortified when she’s caught stroking him down there. In her defense, she was bathing him. The enigmatic hero saved her father from a harrowing assassination attempt; the least she could do is nurse him back to health. But the man defies all rules of convalescence. He’s arrogant. Exasperating. Infuriating. And gorgeous as sin. Attraction sizzles as tempers fly, clashes of ire caving to torrid, delirious pleasure.
Drawn by her tender compassion, Lysander knows every kiss is stolen, every touch forbidden. His past will resurface, and when it does, it will destroy Olivia’s trust...for he was sent to kill her father, not save him. As the police close in on unraveling his identity, The Shadows lurk in the darkness, reminding Lysander to finish his task. But they’re not the only ones after Olivia’s father. A deranged madman is on the loose and will stop at nothing to annihilate Olivia’s entire family. With the clock ticking down, Lysander must choose. His loyalty torn, will he betray his brethren and risk everything for Olivia? Or will he stand by his allegiance, and lose the only woman he’s ever loved?
One of the things that confused me was the historic part -- Lysander is an old Greek name but you refer to the police, which is somewhat of a modern term. So I could not get a sense of the place or time of it. Some people reading historic work prefer to have a sense of the time period.
ReplyDeleteThe only other thing I found rather confusing is the deranged madman suddenly appearing at the end. It almost seemed like an after thought. I think you might want to either give him a reason for being there, or just sort of gloss over it, with Lysander discovering there is also another wanting to kill Olivia's father.
You do a great job setting up the core conflict and stakes here!
ReplyDeleteRomance is not my genre, so I have no idea if the detail about caressing him is a bit over the top or not to mention specifically in a query, but it did jump out at me as maybe humorous, which may or may not be the tone you're going for?
There's a POV shift in the second paragraph -- is the story told from both POVs? If so, you might want to specifically mention that in your closing (with the wordcount and such). If not, you might want to stick to one POV in the query.
Some of the phrases seem cliched, like ravishing angel and stolen kisses.
I agree that I was confused about the time period. I think you need to establish the setting -- both time and place -- right from the beginning if it's historical. You should probably state it outright, and it couldn't hurt to look for chances to use terms and details that will establish that you are very confident in your chosen setting and time.
Finally, I think there's a small bit of redundancy between the first two paragraphs, and you could probably lightly tighten them to make sure the second isn't just repeating the first from a different perspective.
Small point -- was Lysander actually bred to strike hard and fast (as in, The Shadows have a breeding program), or trained? If the former, you may have some unique background there for your assassin group that's worth mentioning.
I think the core conflict is great and you've set up Lysander's dilemma nicely! Good luck with this!
I really liked the tone/voice of your query. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't put off by the lack of stated time period, but I did make an assumption--which could be right or wrong. I assumed by guild that the setting was roughly 14th century? If it isn't, you may want to reference either the year or a known historical event to clue the reader to your time frame. Also I don't know what country. I'm assuming we are in Western Europe, but an assassin can travel far to acquire his target. Lady Olivia's name hints at England, but Lysander hints at Southern Europe/Greece.....? So a hint to location would help as well.
Loved the ravishing angel who turns out to be Olivia down **there**. That was delightful.
I, too, was taken off kilter by the sudden introduction of the deranged madman.
I think you need to tighten this. It was a little hard to follow because there was so much going on. Narrow it down to the most critical elements and give us just enough of a teaser. You've got the same problem I do: it sounds like a synopsis. Give us some voice.
ReplyDeleteAt the end, don't end with questions. And make sure to get your title is category, genre, complete at word count in there as well.
There seems to be a delicious story in here. I agree with above comments that you've got a lot going on and it's sort of hard to follow in one read through. Strip it down a little more and get to the heart of the conflict/stakes. I love the second paragraph and can already feel the sexual tension - keep as much of that aspect as you can but try to make the whole thing a little less dense. (Dense in the good way, btw. I love a good dense read, but I think in a query, you need to imagine someone wanting to read through quickly and get it all on a first pass.)
ReplyDeleteYou have a great style and I imagine your book is a thoroughly enjoyable read through. I hope it gets picked up.
If you want to revise - just send me an email and I'll repost. Good luck!
Thanks for all the great comments! I agree with just about everything mentioned (which I couldn't see for myself when I was writing it), so I'll definitely retool with all the notes in mind.
ReplyDeleteWhat everyone addressed and what I forgot to include was the sentence: "ENSNARED BY YOU is a historical romance set in Victorian England, word count, etc." Oops. Sorry for the confusion!
Jerrie Brock and Nay Writes: You're spot on with the names and locations. Greece is referenced in my novel for Lysander, but I didn't think anyone would pick that up from the query!