Exile is a 69,000 word YA Fantasy, told from two points of view: fifteen year old Jason and thirteen year old Phoenix.
Jason hopes to leave the remote salt mining city of Korenz and travel across the mountains to the great cities, just like his older brother, Paul. But one day, his brother's new partner returns alone with the devastating news that Paul was murdered by Sedani bandits. Angry townspeople take immediate vengeance by killing the lone Sedani in Korenz, Jason's best friend's mother. On pain of death, her body is left in the street: no burial will be permitted until Paul's killers are turned over.
In order to help his friend, Jason must choose between Omar and his own clan. An overheard secret and the inscription on his guitar, "Music is a moral law," help him to choose.
Far away, in the great port city of Ephyra, the patriarch of a prominent merchant family has been poisoned. His daughter Phoenix watches with increasing distress when her Uncle Gobbo moves in to take over her father's shipping fleet, bringing along a mysterious young man rumored to be a black sorcerer. Trusted henchman and long time allies soon turn up dead. Finally, her father appears to her in a dream and warns her that she must take her mother and flee. But where will they go?
A Sedani goddess has the power to bring Jason, Omar, and Phoenix together, but they will need to trust one another to overcome their problems. And after what they've been through, trust is in short supply.
Hi Eric,
ReplyDeleteYou seem to have a very intriguing story here, but the query is really hard to follow because there are a lot of assumptions made. I had to guess that Omar is the best friend mentioned in the first paragraph for instance. I don't think "new partner" is relevant to the story as it leaves me asking about the history there. Try to make your query clear without raising questions you aren't answering. I also am not following why the inscription on the guitar have anything to do with his choice or why a Sedani goddess might bring the three of them together. Or what a Sedani is for that matter.
Paragraph 3 turned out nicely.
You have a lot to work with here, just remember that your reader has no clue what you're talking about so spell it out a little more. And good luck with it!
I like the storyline but I agree with M.A. There's too many characters to follow and it gets kind of confusing. I also had to guess that Omar was the best friend as he wasn't introduced ("Jason's best friend's mother).
ReplyDeleteInstead of introducing a business partner that you aren't going to reference back to in the other paragraphs, you could say something like "When news reaches home that Paul was murdered at the hands of savage bandits..."
If the Sedani bandits don't live in Jason's city, then why would they turn themselves in? Or how do the angry townsfolk plan to get the Sedani bandits to turn themselves in? Wouldn't they get a gang together to hunt them down?
You might want to clarify what the inscription has to do with the rest of the story. If it's a recurring theme, then by all means include it in the query. If it's a one-off thing, then maybe leave it out?
Why would the goddess help them bring them together? Why do they even need to be brought together?
Clarify the story. Great start!