Exile is a 69,000 word YA Fantasy, told from two points of view: fifteen year old Jason and thirteen year old Phoenix.
Jason hopes to leave the remote salt mining city of Korenz and travel across the mountains to the great cities, just like his older brother. But unlike his brother, who is serious and practical, Jason's passion is for the guitar music of the Sedani, shifty nomads that ply the wilderness between the villages. When Paul is murdered by Sedani bandits, Jason's best friend's mother, a Sedani peace hostage, is attacked and killed by angry Korenzians. Korenzian priests decree that the body will remain unburied until the Sedani turn over the killers. Helping his best friend, Omar, will mean turning his back on his brother's murderers. When Jason acts, both young men must flee for their lives. Soon they are trapped underground in an ancient shrine to the Sedani goddess of music, surrounded by fanatical Korenzian clerics.
Far away, in the vast port city of Ephyra, the patriarch of a prominent merchant family has been poisoned. Following ancient tradition, his body is launched into the river Acheron in an enchanted boat, where it will enter the river cavern leading to the Underworld. His daughter Phoenix places a book of his favorite poems next to his beloved guitar and watches the boat disappear.
Within days, Phoenix watches with distress as her Uncle Gobbo moves in to take over her father's shipping fleet, bringing along a mysterious young man rumored to be a black sorcerer. Trusted henchmen and long time allies soon turn up dead. But most bewildering is her mother's weakness and passivity regarding Gobbo's disgusting behavior. Then one day her father comes to her in a dream and warns her that she must take her mother and flee. But running away will mean giving up her new position as an apprentice ballerina with the greatest ballet troupe in the world.
Within days, Phoenix watches with distress as her Uncle Gobbo moves in to take over her father's shipping fleet, bringing along a mysterious young man rumored to be a black sorcerer. Trusted henchmen and long time allies soon turn up dead. But most bewildering is her mother's weakness and passivity regarding Gobbo's disgusting behavior. Then one day her father comes to her in a dream and warns her that she must take her mother and flee. But running away will mean giving up her new position as an apprentice ballerina with the greatest ballet troupe in the world.
The goddess of music has the power to bring Jason, Omar, and Phoenix together, but they will need to trust one another to overcome their problems. And after what they've been through, trust is in short supply.
Put Exile in all caps in the first paragraph. Hyphenate fifteen-year-old and thirteen-year-old.
ReplyDeleteYou do a better job overall of explaining the story but this time around I got stuck on how many passive verbs you use. Check for "is ____ing" as your sentence subject and try to find a way to make those verbs active.
You do an excellent job setting up their worlds, but it might be a little too much for one read-through.
ReplyDeleteI think you can cut "Following ancient tradition, his body is launched into the river Acheron in an enchanted boat, where it will enter the river cavern leading to the Underworld. His daughter Phoenix places a book of his favorite poems next to his beloved guitar and watches the boat disappear." as it doesn't propel the story forward.
Still not really sure why the Sedanis have any motive to turn over the killers? Unless it's a horrible transgression? "Korenzian priests decree that the body will remain unburied until the Sedani turn over the killers."