Fans of The Darkest Minds by Alexandria Bracken will enjoy EVOLUTION: DAUNTLESS HOPE a completed 95,000-word YA urban fantasy, set in a nation torn apart by hate with two species on the brink of a second war.
Hope’s power to control water, fire, earth, and air is the key to saving the Unies—super-humans—from extinction. A secret kept from her until her forbidden love for a human boy threatens the Unies’ last chance for survival.
Hope thought she had everything she wanted the day she set foot in Brander High after years of homeschool. For the first time she has a BFF and a hot telepathic jock has a crush on her. But her life goes from cheery to downright wrong the night she and her BFF hide their identities to sneak into a Los Angeles night club. There she meets a handsome and mysterious human, Tristan. Before she knows it, he has her heart and she’s lying to everyone to keep their love a secret. She knows her relationship with Tristan could land her in Lockup or worse if they’re caught. What she didn’t anticipate is her reckless behavior jeopardizing the fate of every Uni.
Born without the birthmark which connects all Unies, and set apart due to her rarity, Hope’s isolation wasn’t a sick joke. A powerful human knows about her and has spent seventeen years looking for her. Now he has a weapon in arm’s reach and plans to eradicate the Uni problem for good. Hope is terrified of what she’ll have to release to stop him, knowing it might just kill her in the end. Ultimately, she must decide if she’s willing to condemn an entire species for Tristan. Or will she become the Unies’ last beacon of hope, saving them from a fate where death is the only escape.
I like the opening - grabs my attention quickly. But I get confused at paragraph 3. I feel like I moved from syfy to nickolodeon. The worlds are confusing, and I can't follow the plot here. In paragraph 4, I am curious about what makes her rare - just the missing birthmark or something else. It is not clear why all Uni's are in jeopardy. It is difficulty explaining a complex plot in around 4 paragraphs. As it currently reads, I am intrigued but also confused. A little bit more tightening of the plot should help.
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ReplyDeleteThank you for the feedback. I do agree with your comments and I can see where I can tighten some more!
ReplyDeleteThis is getting better. Note that "A secret kept from her until her forbidden love for a human boy threatens the Unies’ last chance for survival." is not a sentence. Maybe clarify this a little with something like "Her importance to her race has been kept secret..." although maybe turn it around a little to make it less passive. (Which begs the question - who is keeping it secret and why?)
ReplyDeleteNow - you've clarified why it is that Hope is different from other Unies which is a step closer to helping us know why she's the only one who can do anything. It's not *crystal* clear, but at least you've given us an indication that she's different and that's a start.
"Hope’s isolation wasn’t a sick joke" seems to come out of nowhere because in the paragraph before she was hanging out in nightclubs. What isolation?
The last part is still confusing me. I'm just not getting what Hope has to do, why someone wants to find her, why it's her race or Tristan - you know - the whole crux of the story. :)
I know how hard you're working on this. It's getting better in a lot of ways but maybe another revision will do the trick.
Good luck!
I really like the premise. Hooked me with the first paragraph. I agree with Pat and M.A. with their touch-up recommendations. I like the last two sentences and with a little more clarification beforehand they will push this query over the top.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for the awesome feedback! I wouldn't have gotten this far without them!
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